|No Dolphin Safe on Sunday...|
|Written by Cotter|
|December 06, 2013 17:41|
First things first - a couple of weeks ago, I made a fleeting Twitter vow to start calling Mike Tomlin "HCMT" again.
And heretofore, I've been approximately garbage at following through on it.
But after the events of the past week - man, all bets are off, the heat is f*#king on, and HCMT is officially back up in dat ass!
I'm not going to spend anything close to the 20+ minutes HCMT did discussing what happened in any great detail.
If you'd like to know how I really feel about it, go ahead and delve into my Twitter feed from Wednesday, December 4.
But I will say - I hope with every ounce of my body that HCMT channels this into motivation for his team.
Playoffs may be about as likely as John Harbaugh spontaneously combusting, but you gotta have hope (on both counts, obviously).
On the one hand, after all of the injuries, soul crushing early losses, and emotional abuse at the hands of Todd Haley and plenty of others, you might be thinking, "well shit, even if they did make the playoffs, there's a decent chance it'd go about as smoothly as that time they got smited by Tim Tebow, so maybe we should just sit this one out."
But on the other hand, crazy shit happens every day, and how vindicating would it be for the team that saw itself 2-6 half way through the season overcome all the bullshit and bring the pain in January?
Big time implications in this one.
It's gonna be the same way every week up until the end, but if we have any hope, it's do or die against one of the three teams that currently have an edge on the Steelers in the wild card race.
Also, go Vikings, Broncos, Giants and Raiders.
Now, let's discuss Fernando Velasco to IR.
Oy, what a season.
How many times have you heard of a team losing multiple Centers in one year, let alone coupling that with the rest of the Steelers' 2013 reality?
Take it away, Mark Karboly - "When the Steelers host Miami Sunday...it will mark the sixth different starting offensive line combination in 13 games...The Steelers have used 12 different in-game line combinations as well."
And yet, at the same time, the zero sacks on Ben the past two weeks represents "the first time in 170 games that they didn't give up a sack in back-to-back games dating back to 2003."
Shit is mind boggling.
So, what exactly is happening with the Steelers?
In all likelihood, a rollercoaster season in which we saw some promise, but that was ultimately marked by too much adversity to overcome.
Then again, I don't believe in closing a door before it's time to do so.
I just hope the team shares my belief.
Anyway, I've had a rough week, so I'm gonna cut my rambling off right here and just get into this damn thing.
Follow me down this black and yellow brick road if you dare.
When HCMT referred to Ryan Tannehill in his Tuesday press conference as "Ryan Tandyhill," several people pointed out that it sounded like he had just teed me up nicely for a little photojob.
But after a couple of dry runs, let me assure you, this is not something you want your eyes to see unless you want to spend the rest of the weekend rinsing them with bleach.
Here's all you need to know about Ryan Tandyhill - plenty of yards passing, 17/13 TD to INT ratio, and sacked 45 times, representing the highest total of any QB in the league by a margin of six.
Apparently he's also got some thumb issue on his throwing hand, whatever that means.
And in case you're wondering why I'm not talking more about his wife, who might actually appear more than he does when you Google image search him, it's because I have a non-verbal contractual obligation to the woman who is crazy enough to have agreed to marry me that I won't mention other chicks on the internet.
Shit's rough nowadays, fellas.
Zero clue who this guy even is.
Sorry to let you guys down like that.
Mike Wallace, Brian Hartline, a cafe con leche, a bottle of Tapatio hot sauce, tres churros, and diez kilos of cocaina make up the Dolphins wide receiving corps.
Though I haven't had time to read it, I'm sure much has been said about Mike Wallace's return to Pittsburgh this week, undoubtedly alongside mention of the massive games given up to Megatron, Josh Gordon, and Torrey Smith, who are obviously dogshit receivers that the Steelers should have been able to hold to under 50 yards each just like everyone else in the NFL has (sidebar - let me know if you can hear my head exploding from there?).
I do find it somewhat fitting that Wallace is making his triumphant return to Heinz Field almost exactly one year after admitting that he loses focus during games when he's not getting the ball, but either way - f Mike Wallace, f Brian Hartline, and f anyone who expects Ike Taylor to let either of them come out of this game pounding their chests.
Don't you dare sleep on the swag.
Big Play Chuck Clay.
True story - I used to work with a girl whose sister was the Dolphins Cheerleading Coach, and for Christmas 2011, she got me and my buddies pictures signed by the entire Dolphins Cheerleading squad.
Worst gift of all time, obviously.
What a B.
Painfully ironic that the Dolphins had a guy named "Incognito" on their line this season, because that seems to be an appropriate way to describe their pass protection.
45 sacks allowed on what has undoubtedly been quite a tumultous 2013 for them.
It's comforting to know that the Steelers offensive line still isn't the worst in the league despite the fact that Guy Whimper, Cody Wallace, and Mike Adams are all people who have played on it this year.
So, thanks, Miami.
I'm sure Jason Worilds will also be happy to thank you personally on Sunday.
Maybe even twice.
Olivier Vernon, Randy Starks, Paul Solai, and Cameron Wake.
10.5, 3, 1, and 6.5 sacks respectively, for a grand total of 21 sacks, or almost as many as the entire Steelers defense (25).
So, can anyone tell me who Olivier Vernon is?
Philip Wheeler, Dannell Ellerbe, Koa Misi.
Leads the Dolphins in Tackles, as well as hair ties stuck in the shower drain.
Not Heinz Field's biggest fan, but 2nd most tackles for the Dolphins, to go along with two picks, and two fumble recoveries.
Yeah, we know all about Dannell Ellerbe.
Looks like Nawa'akoa Lisiate Foti Analeseanoa Misi needs to grow a pair, and some hair, in order to blend in with his linebacker compadres.
How about that, I'm a poet, and I didn't even know it.
Antonio Brown's Lunch:
Brent Grimes and Nolan Carroll at the corners, Reshad Jones and Chris Clemons (maybe) at the safeties.
Apparently the Dolphins have allowed the third fewest passing touchdowns in the league this season, in addition to having the second most picks, but that just means they haven't seen Antonio Brown and Ben Roethlisberger yet.
Come get some, dicks.
Joe Philbin would be a lot cooler if his first name was Regis and he hung out with Kelly Ripa.
I'm sure you couldn't have seen that one coming.
Tim, give me a hand here...
Tim's Tea Party:
Well faithful readers, the unspeakable happened on Thanksgiving. The Ravens won. The Ravens beat the Steelers the only way they know how: have Joe Fucco throw it down the field as deep as possible and hope that Torrey Smith runs fast enough to catch it. That’s it. That’s how.
They literally do nothing else. I mean nothing. Ray Rice and Bernard Pierce average less than three yards a carry, and the Ravens only have one viable option at the other skill positions. And they won. And I’m not sure what happened with Mike Tomlin, and I’m not in the business of making judgments about what his intent actually was, but to fine him $100K and possibly take a draft pick away from the Steelers is absolute lunacy.
The guy cut rug on the sidelines, he didn’t murder anyone.
You would have thought he cut Jacoby Jones’s leg off or something. And to all those people that complained about Tomlin doing that - you know what, it occurs everywhere. If it didn’t, the NFL wouldn’t have sent out a memo to address the issue last Wednesday. And there’s no way that memo goes out if the NFL didn’t think it needed to be addressed because other teams were doing it. Just utter and complete bullshit.
I will now get off my soap box. Just wanted to point out how the NFL and Roger Goodell are complete morons.
Onto this week.
Now, faithful readers, is the time to panic.
The Steelers did themselves no favors by losing to the Ravens, but they are still in the playoff hunt. They need to beat the Dolphins to hold the tie breaker over Miami for help in the wildcard standings. They also need other teams to lose as well, but if they can finish 9-7 they have a shot. 8-8, there is just no way. Too many teams to climb over that hold tie breakers over the Steelers.
And as for this week I wanted to take a look at 3rd down efficiency as my stat. Basically, all this means is the percentage the offense converts 3rd downs into 1st downs. The Steelers are ranked 15th (38.9%) and the Dolphins 27th (35.2%). Basically these two offenses aren’t very good at staying on the field and it does this...
to their respective defenses. It also means that the plays Ben usually makes by extending the play just aren’t happening this year. An offensive line that looks like this...
will do that. The line was doing a great job lately too. I’ve just never seen a run on injuries like the past few weeks. I just haven’t. It’s incredible.
All I’m saying is ask Santa Claus to send the Steelers some O-Line help because holy shit they are dropping like flies.
Lastly, I want to give Le’Veon Bell some props this week.
[Editor's Note: Tim had wanted me to use a gif of the play on which Bell was injured last week here, but I made a decision last week not to ever put a replay of it on OFTOT. So, I apologize to the Big T, but veto.]
That dude was gaming on Thursday, and he took one for the team to try and score that TD.
I’m glad to see he was able to walk off, and he’s starting to show why the Steelers spent a 2nd round pick on him.
Well, that’s it for me. Pinky up bitches.
Beaker freakout dot gif, ftw.
Now, for a special holiday treat.
Being that we've officially entered that heartwarming season of giving and Santa Claus and Jesus and shit, I thought I'd use this week's and the next few weeks' Miscellaneous sections to throwdown the top 5 scenes from some of the greatest Christmas movies of all time.
Up first, the G.O.A.T. - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
These are in no particular order, and you can disagree if you want, but resistance is futile.
This shit is science.
1) I wasn't talking to you...
2) Shitter was full.
3) Can I take something out for you?
4) The Hap, Hap, Happiest Christmas...
5) Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.
Egg nog or gtfo.
So, the best advice I can give you for Sunday is - root hard for no injuries, no unnecessary grabassery, and no offensive turnovers.
It may be the season of giving for everyone else, but it better not be for the Steelers offense.
Huge wild card implications in this one, you guys.
Gotta get up for a December game like this at Heinz Field.
Here we go!
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