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Shaun Suisham Forgot to Turn His Swag Off AKA It's Rivalry Week...
Written by Cotter   
November 23, 2013 13:06
rivalrystache

And just like that, ladies and degenerates, two things happened: #1 - a headline was born, and #2 - GET ROWDY, BECAUSE IT'S ON, MOTHERF*#KERS!!!!!!

braveheartahhh

Quick, when was the last time you can remember a game against Cleveland in which both teams had something to play for besides pride?

brownsplayoffs

I'm sure in reality it wasn't that long ago, but in my hazy, cold/bird and or pig flu riddled brain, it seems like the answer must be in decades, not single digits.

And you know what?

It feels great.

It didn't totally hit me until last night, when for some reason, I clicked a link to Antonio Brown's "What It Is" on Steelers.com, and saw AB working the locker room, asking his comrades about what a rivalry means, only to eventually bump into Shaun Suisham, who unveiled his rivalry 'stache.

And I not only welcome Sweezy's rivalry 'stache up there, and the sentiment that goes with it, I encourage it.

With two division games within four days of each other, when all three teams involved are currently 4-6 - oh man, can you imagine a more ferocious scenario that doesn't officially involve playoffs?



Everyone's out for blood in these games as it is, but when the margin for error is so tight that if you shoved a lump of coal up its butt it would instantly become a diamond, you know it's going to be a bloodbath.

brownshate

Now, when it comes to these types of games, it kind of goes without saying, but you can pretty much throw all the stats right out the window.

Enjoy reading about how the Browns offense struggled under Jason Campbell last week, or how their defense is probably the best it has been in years, but really those are just anecdotes about how the Browns got here.

Yeah, those things factor into this game, but to what degree is anyone's guess.

The Steelers have had more than their fair share of problems this year, even if the trajectory has been slightly different as of late, but how big of a statement would it be for them to come out and mow down Cleveland and Baltimore in back-to-back games within one calendar week?

Oh yeah, guys, these two games are as real as it gets.

streetfighterfight

Now, I'm obviously dragging ass already to get this thing up, as has become the usual case, so I'm not going to belabor things any further.

As per standard operating procedure around here, I'm just gonna jump into the Browns, from QB to Head Coach and everywhere in between.

I apologize if there's almost zero flow in this thing this week, but shit's rough nowadays.

Anyway...


GAME ON!

Quarterback:
woodoncampbell

Jason Campbell, property of LaMarr Woodley.

"No quarterback since the start of 2006 has attempted as many short throws as Jason Campbell's 50 attempts."

If that isn't Todd Haley's wet dream, I don't want to know what is.

Actually, I definitely don't want to know what Todd Haley's wet dream is regardless.

Either way, I'm not even trying to front like it's worth my time to tell you anything else about Jason Campbell.

If you actually care to know more, my boy Neal Coolong's got you covered with a quick review of how Campbell has fared against the Steelers the two other times he's faced them in his career.

But, let's get down to the important stuff.

Brandon Weeden.

Dude, I have no idea how the Browns ever thought starting this guy (let alone drafting him in the 1st round last year) was a good idea in the first place.

Just look at him...
brandononweeden

This is your current leader in passing yards, Cleveland.

Where have you gone, Colt McCoy?

map

Not ironically, pretty much as far away as Cleveland could possibly send him.

Running Back:


Here's a list of Willises that are > than Willis McGahee...

> Bruce Willis
> Patrick Willis
> Dontrelle Willis
> NBA Journeyman Kevin Willis
> The Willis Tower
> Willis from Diff'rent Strokes

And last but certainly far from least - Wesley Willis (fair warning: videos are NSF W, or H if you're gonna be around important, mature people like your girlfriend/fiancee/wife and/or your young children)...


"Take your ass to the barber shop. Tell the barber you're sick of looking like an asshole."

Everything this dude ever did was epic.



Drop yourself down a Wesley Willis YouTube hole and enjoy.

You're welcome.

Nah, seriously though, Willis McGahee has been passed around the NFL more than a J at a Phish concert, but dude has been a consistently solid, dependable RB, so respek...
respek

But that don't mean shit to Cam Heyward and friends, so hey Willis McGahee...
dragonballs
 
Oh yeah, Chris Ogbonaknskdlgnal;sdngasdg...


Whatevs, I don't do Fullbacks.

That's what she said.

Wide Receivers:


Josh Gordon, a bag of Hot Cheetos, a rabbit's foot left over from Pat Shurmur, three cans of Tinactin, and a Brady Quinn fathead make up the Browns receiving corps.

Yo, this Gordon kid might be the best receiver the Browns have had in a while, having grabbed 751 yards receiving, averaging close to 20 YPC, and scoring four TDs in eight games.

But I feel the need to point out that he's only caught half of the balls that have come this way.

Maybe if the balls were made out of weed and/or sizzurp he might have a better time catching them.

gordonweed

Also, can't not LOL @ "he and teammate Willie Jefferson were found asleep at a local Taco Bell."

I bet if you looked into it, that's actually how a ton of people get caught for weed.

Mexican pizza or gtfo.

Tight End:
brownschic

Jordan Cameron.

Doesn't it seem like his name should be the other way around?

Offensive Line:
brownsdude

Joe Thomas, John Greco, Alex Mack, Shawn Lauvao, Mitchell Schwartz.

34 sacks allowed in 10 games, having surrendered four on Jason Campbell last week alone.

Of course, despite their epic two sack performance last week, it isn't exactly like the Steelers pass rush has been dominating anyone either.

But, I'm not going to let that prevent me from predicting a two sack day from Ziggy Hood alone...
ziggydance

Get Ziggy with it.

Defensive Line:
fanz

Help me understand this one, Cleveland...

You helmet the Browns???

I'm lost.

Either way, here's where the fun begins, as I'm sure Large Benjamin would agree.

deargoditsben1

Ahtyba Rubin, Phil Taylor, and Dez, er, Desmond Bryant.

1, 2.5, and 3.5 sacks respectively, and anchoring the league's 8th best run defense.

But I've just got one question for these three...
hulkamania

WHATCHOO GONNA DO WHEN LE'VEON BELL RUNS WILD ON YOU, BROTHER?!?!?!**

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

** - "run wild" = 50 yards on 20 carries. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited. Valid 11/24 only. One per customer.

LineNightmarebackers:
nightmarebackers

Dracula, Freddie Kruger, Darth Vader, and Jason Voorhes.

I mean, Jabaal Sheard/Barkevius Mingo, Tank Carder (Craig Robertson is doubtful), D'Qwell Jackson, and Paul Kruger.

Sheard...
sheard

"Officer Brown said Mr. Sheard kept punching Mr. Parker as the officer and other city officers tried to break up the fight. After absorbing several of Officer Brown's baton blows to the body, Mr. Sheard picked up Mr. Parker by his clothing and threw him through the glass door of the gallery, then continued to punch him in the face as he lay bleeding on the floor inside the business..."

I know y'all didn't forget about Jabaal Sheard that quickly.

Mingo...
hortononmingo

Don't worry, Barkevius.

I'm sure someone on the Steelers offensive line would be happy to help you get Ray Horton off your back.

I really just wanted to say Barkevius.

Barkevius.

Carder...
carderheadline

Moral of this story is don't "bash team sports" on Twitter unless you're prepared to be called a bundle of sticks by Tank Carder.

carder2

Seems justified.

Jackson...
dqwellonben

Alright, I'm all out of headlines, but it was a good run while it lasted.

D'Qwell Jackson is the Browns leading tackler, and leader of their defense.

Look for him to make some tackles on Sunday.

If you aren't here for bold predictions like that, I don't know why you are here.

Kruger...
krugz

Dude, a hospital once had to use 50 staples just to close incisions made on Paul Kruger's body after he got jumped and knifed in Salt Lake City in 2008.

No, not stitches, I said STAPLES.

50 of them.

mahbles2

Holy shit.

Secondary:
tjward

There are four dudes in Cleveland right now flooding the streets with saliva over the opportunity to face Ben Roethlisberger on Sunday, and their names are Joe Haden and Buster Skrine at the Corners, and TJ Ward and Tashaun Gipson at the Safeties. 

That's 41 (!!!) passes defended, and eight picks - two for TDs - between them.

I had never heard of Buster Skrine before I wrote this post, but I shit you not, dude has defended 15 passes by himself.

joeyh

And Joe Haden has three of those eight picks alone, all three having come in the last two games vs. the Ravens and Bengals. Oh, and he also shut down AJ Green last week to the tune of 7 total yards receiving. 

One more time for Ben...
WhenInDoubt

Probably should just tattoo it on his forehead at this point.

Head Coach:
chudzheadline

I'd call him ChOAdzinski, but I'm sure that's the hack thing to do.

Excellent coaching tree, though.

chudtree

I assume this makes him the league's foremost expert on flaming out?

Makes sense, Cleveland.

Billy Cundiff:


Needed done.

Over to you, Tim.

Tim's Tea Party:
Ok, I’m just going to be completely honest about this past week’s game vs. the Lions.
ttp1

I’m not sure how the Steelers pulled this one out. Sure, Ben played great and the Steelers had three takeaways, but it still doesn’t compute that they gave up 271 yards in the second quarter, Calvin Johnson had two TDs and 179 yards, the Steelers blew a 14 point lead, and they managed to win the game. And by win the game, I mean shutdown one of the best offenses in the NFL. Johnson had zero catches in the second half and the Steelers even managed to thwart a fake field goal after the only sustained drive the Lions could muster in the second half.

ttp2

I’m not complaining about the game. I just don’t understand how the Steelers could win after getting destroyed in the 2nd quarter without making too many halftime adjustments. Oh well...
RockyLebeau

As for this week the Steelers find themselves playing against their divisional rival the Cleveland Browns. This used to be a great rivalry until the Browns left Cleveland for Baltimore, then restarted as an expansion franchise that has sucked since they’ve returned.

ttp3

The Browns look to be getting better with a complete overhaul of the team in the front office, the coaching staff, and team itself, but I’m guessing we will know the answer to whether that’s true or not sometime next year. They’ve had a carousel of QBs due to injuries, but do find themselves tied with the Steelers for 2nd place in the AFC North. And the best skill player on the Browns?  You guessed it, Jordan Cameron. And this week’s game highlights him against the Steelers great pass catching TE in Heath Miller. No great stat here as I’m just picking out the most obvious similarity between the Steelers and Browns.

ttp4

What I do find interesting about this game is that it is the first time in 10 years the Browns are actually favored in the matchup. It’s practically impossible to go that long without getting the nod, but congratulations Cleveland, you pulled it off.

GolfClap

Anyway, the loser of this game pretty much seals their fate on playoff hopes. And I can’t actually believe I just typed that, can you? I mean seriously? As bad as the Steelers were in the first half of the year, the fact that they have climbed back into the playoff picture is...
ttp5

Now a bit of surprise from your humble narrator. I’m actually cautiously optimistic about the Steelers chances. Yeah, you read that right. Mr. Glass Half Empty thinks the Steelers might have a shot at the playoffs. The rest of their schedule contains only two teams with winning records in the Bengals and Packers. You can’t sit there with a straight face and tell me the other teams in the Browns (twice), Ravens, and Dolphins scare you.

ttp8

The Steelers will have to bring their A-Game against the Bengals and Packers for sure, but stranger things have happened; any John Hughes movie will tell you that...
ttp7

Pinky up bitches!

Stranger things HAVE indeed happened, I just can't think of any.

Almost there, guys. Sprint to the finish!

Miscellaneous:

1) Can anyone tell me anything funny about this picture?
hinesrandom

Zero clue what Hines is talking about.

2) And while we're screenshotting former Steelers' social media posts...
jamesharrisontweet

As Tim said when I texted this to him and Domski the other day - he must dig the ball pit.

3) O, RLY?
fanshirt

Not sure I follow the logic.

4) ???????


5) Bring it on, dicks.
brownshateline

Get your gameface on, guys.

Sunday at 1 PM, it begins.

keiseldiesel

It may not have been the most fun or consistent season thus far, but two more wins in five days here and ohhhhhhhhhh boy.

steelerjesus

Predictions, Browns hatred, and general venom in the comments.

decastrobadass

Here we go.

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