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Dead Men Walking

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Simply Stunning... E-mail
Written by Captain Planet   
December 21, 2009 08:41

Numbers don't mean shit if you can't win games.

Hell, even if you can, the one in the win column is the only one that really counts.

But when your QB is one of only three in history - the two other of which are enshrined in Canton - to achieve certain numbers, you need to take a second and celebrate it.

Yesterday, Big Ben became only the third QB in NFL history to throw for 500 yards and not ONE INT.

Warren Moon threw for 527 and 3 TDs in 1990 against the Kansas City Chiefs.

And YA Tittle threw for 505 and 7 TDs in 1962 against the Washington Redskins.

But consider this, the Packers have the #4 overall ranked defense in the NFL right now, and the #11 overall ranked pass defense.

This wasn't some Mickey Mouse outfit Ben was going up against.

The Packers defense held the Ravens to just 66 yards rushing and 137 yards passing two weeks ago, with three sacks to boot.

And while they still lit Ben up for five sacks yesterday, in the end, we know who got the last laugh.


We wonder if Mike Florio still thinks the locker room's divided on Big Ben?

Now, this does nothing to alleviate the need to keep your shock paddles handy during 2009 Steelers' games, but hey, it was a BIG win against a red hot team, and the proverbial "monkey" is now off our backs.

If you can't get fired up about that, you can get the hell off of this blog.

The Steelers even up at 7-7.

Right now, the wildcard race is more wide open than the Packers defense's asshole after yesterday.

This coming Sunday, the Steelers play the 8-6 Ravens, who currently hold the 6 seed.

A win balances out the season series and puts both teams at 8-7.

Don't look now, but the Ravens replacement corner just landed on IR.

And this just in, Ed Reed didn't play yesterday.

It won't be Dennis Dixon out there on Sunday, Baltimore.

And you'll be in our house.

We wouldn't have it any other way.


Bring it, tool sheds.

Anyways, let's get to the fun part -- the "Things That Were Awesome," "Things That Were Not Awesome," and "Things That We'd Like To Forget Ever Happened."

You take your car to work, we'll take our boards...

Things That Were Awesome:

1. Big Zen

With two minutes left in regulation, there's really no other QB we'd rather have under Center.

(Let it be known, this is not just because he is on our favorite team. We'll stand by this point against Brees, Brady, and Manning lovers)

The guy just wants the ball with the game on the line, and knows what to do when he gets it.

Performance of the game.

Performance of the season.

We'd add "performance of his career" to that list if it wasn't for those two sizable pieces of jewelry he wears on his hand.

When Ben goes to work, he brings his hard hat, his lunch pail, and his massive nutsack.

Here you, go Jarrett Bush...

2. Mike Wallace

Do we really even need to explain this one?


Rookie of the year.

We don't wanna hear shit about Percy Harvin.

3. San Antonio Holmes

It's hard to believe that he only had three catches yesterday.

Still, two of those catches were for over 30 yards and were severely clutch.

The first went for 33, down to the Green Bay 15, where Ben then proceeded to hit Mewelde Moore for six.


The second went for 32 on the now infamous final drive, taking us to the Packers 46 yard line...on 4th and 7!

Kept the drive alive.

Kept six a legit possibility.

Kept Bruce Arians' job for at least another week.

Not a bad days work if you ask us...

PS - Check out who's 4th in the NFL in receiving yards.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it...

4. Hines Ward

Lost in all the "last second hoopla," was the most reliable receiver in Steeler history (he eclipsed the 1,000 yard mark for the 6th time in his career yesterday).....

How can you leave a guy who catches seven passes for 126 yards off this list?

You can't.

So here he is.

Hines' wisdom of the weekend = "Some people say I've lost a step, but that doesn't worry me because I never had a step to begin with." (or something like that)

What a sense of humor on the dude who's 13 yards away from cracking the top 10 in receiving!

5. NOT Losing Six Games In A Row


Group hug...

Things That Were NOT Awesome:

1. Max Starks

Big boy, big penalties.

Holding and a false start on the final drive.


But you can't really blame him too much for the holding call.

Clay Matthews was combing his hair with Ben's face about once every three plays.

He was just trying to do his job and protect his man, Ben Roethlisberger.

2. Have You Seen This Man?

When was the last time Silverback only had one tackle in a game?

Don't think too hard, we'll actually tell you.

That'd be almost exactly three years ago, on December 17, 2006...when he wasn't even starting.

Whatever, this is James Harrison we're talking about.

He has a performance like that about as often as Joe Flacco shaves his unibrow.

Call it an anomaly.

This one's for you, man...

3. Standing Directly Behind Mike McCarthy While This Picture Was Being Taken

Looks like ripping this one was a real struggle...

4. Daniel Sepulveda?

Two punts of -20 yards...

Was that you, Mitch Berger?

5. Greg Warren to IR

That's two years in a row, now.

Guy tore his left ACL last season.

This time around he tore his right ACL.

Talk about a career taking it's toll..., paging AQ Shipley (and/or Jared Retofsky)...

Things That We'd Like To Forget Ever Happened:

1. Packers Scored 22 Points in the 4th Quarter

In the first 45 minutes, the defense managed to stop the Packers on seven out of nine drives.

In the final 15 minutes, the Packers scored on all three drives, all three for TDs.

Not like we didn't see this coming...

Why do you think Tomlin tried an onside kick with four minutes left and a two point lead?

(We're guessing this will be a HUGE  topic of discussion this week...have at it, in the comments)


Jermichael Finley's a turd.


So is James Jones.


Get well soon, Troy.

2. Five Sacks on Big Ben

Some guy named Brad Jones had two sacks yesterday. Doesn't he play first base for the Pirates? 

Coming into that game, he only had one on the entire season.

How Brad Jones managed to put Ben on his ass twice is about as big of a mystery as who the hell Brad Jones is...

And then there was Clay Matthews.

Besides having flowing blond locks that would make Barbie jealous, the guy also had seven tackles, two sacks and three tackles for a loss.

He gave all 6'9" and 345 pounds of Max Starks the business more times than we'd like to admit.

You can't really fault a guy for doing his job, but damn, Clay...

Did Mike McCarthy promise to shave your head if you didn't have at least two sacks?

If Mike Wallace is the NFL ROY, then Clay should get the nod on the defensive side of the ball......

Hats off, man.

3. Conversely, ONE Sack on Aaron Rodgers

One sack?

One sack.

Seriously, one sack?

49 times this season the guy has been sacked (only 6 more than Ben, by the way).

That's an average of over three times a game, and the mighty Steelers defense only managed one that looked more like a gangbang (if you saw it, you know what we're talking about)?

We don't really have anything good to say about this, so instead we're just going to put this random image here...

This guy loved Avatar.

Who dat, indeed.

4. The Secondary

WE may be turds, but at least our play doesn't stink like one...

PS - Ryan Clark, we still love you. We make jokes, but we want you to make us look stupid. So go do it!

5. Games 9-13

You can all come out now...

Other Things That Are Only Marginally Related:

1. Picture of the season?

2. We didn't know Juan Valdez was a Packer fan?

3. James?

4. Let's Get These Numbers Up...

5. Self-Explanatory


Now, the floor is yours...

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