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Dead Men Walking

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It Ain't Over... E-mail
Written by Captain Planet   
November 16, 2009 17:02

Start at 1:24 or so...this one's courtesy of Steelers Depot!

We understand that it's hard to remain optimistic in times like these.

Oh, we got swept by the Bengals.

Oh, now we're playing for a wild card.

Oh, we may or may not have a yeast infection.

Try not to ruin your keyboard with your cascading tears.

The Steelers only need to worry about the Steelers right now.

And is it that inconceivable that the Bungles could lose a few games down the stretch?

Bottom line is - the Steelers will be ok.


There are still only two teams in the AFC with better records - Indy and Cincy (though Denver, San Diego and New England are all 6-3 as well).

And who's up next?

The Chiefs.


The Olsen twins could probably beat the Chiefs this year.

Yes, we've still gotta play the Ravens twice.

But that's no reason to shit ourselves with fear.

Yesterday's game was complete garbage offensively.

The longest drive in the 2nd half was 34 yards.

Running the ball when they should be throwing. Throwing the ball when they should be running. Trying to knock one out of the park on a day when Big Ben was getting violated on just about every play.

What do you want us to say?

The important thing is that we put it behind us, and pray that Troy won't be out for any extended period of time.

The Bengals have a winning season about as often as someone purchases a Limas Sweed jersey.

We wonder how many Bengals fans want Mike Brown to hire a GM now?

Anyways, as that 60 minutes of football yesterday was about as fun as getting waterboarded, we're just going to try and get this over with...

Below are our obligatory "Things That Were Awesome," "Things That Were Not Awesome," and "Things That Made Us Reach For The Cat Tranquilizers."

Give 'em a look and tell us your thoughts in the comments (we lost so we're sure you all want to comment now).

Things That Were Awesome:

1. Holding The Bengals To A Field Goal Party

Despite the outcome, the Steel Curtain played fairly well. It's said that we have to describe our #1 Awesome Thing as, fairly well.

LaMarr Woodley was everywhere and Keisel continued to be a beat up-front. Ty Carter filled in admirabley again and Ryan Clark was flying around like a maniac. And, the corners played like grown men. That means, they were solid and dependable. Go men!

Just a few miscues here and there, let the Bengals get just inside field goal range.

Our defense is still the best in the league, we'll argue that until we die of pig flu.

2. Santonio Holmes

We needed a picture from the Super Bowl to keep our spirits high this morning.

A third review of the stat sheet reminded us that Santonio had somewhat of a big day. Seven catches for eighty-eight yards, with a long of 21.

If we were Arians, we'd run that bubble screen on every play.

With the emergence of Mike Wallace, Heath Miller's pro-bowl season, and the continuing domination of old number eighty-six, Santonio is getting lost in the fold a bit. Not that we're pulling a T.O and saying they should "get him the ball" but, more touches for Sant wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Maybe throw a slant or two instead of continuous bombs to Wallace? We're just sayin......

3. Chad Dos-catches-o

Ike Taylor owns Chad Johnson.

We've seen the pink slip to prove it.

Before the game, Chad boasted that Heinz Field was going to be his "home for the next three hours."

Obviously he didn't mean the end zone.

Two catches for 29 yards.


By the way Chad, Ike said he's holding your testicles in a jar for you, and you can have them back at the end of the season.

Too bad you probably won't see this because we didn't say it on Twitter.

4. Willie Gay

Lately, Willie Gay's been getting more action than Peter North.

But when it was all said and done yesterday, he led the team in tackles with 9 (6 solo) and passes defended with two.

Of course, on one of those it looked like he'd been taking lessons on how to intercept a football from Ike Taylor.

But he did his job.

He's still a young guy, but we think he's been playing more than admirably for a third year player who's never started a full season.

5. Mewelde Moore's Miracle Catch

Anyone who DVR'd the game, do us all a favor and put this play on YouTube.

Mewelde Moore may be one of the most underrated Steelers currently on the roster.

All the guy does is pick up first downs.

We should really be keeping track of this kind of thing.

But as we have a hard enough time keeping track of what day it is, that's probably not going to happen.

How did he come up with a catch on this play?

Because he's a MAN, that's how.

He only touched the rock four times yesterday, but he averaged almost 9 yards per touch (12 yd run, 9 yd run, 11 yd catch and of course this 3 yd catch), and three out of those four times he netted the Steelers a first down.

Oh yeah, he's also the one who pushed Frostee Rucker out of bounds on Ben's 3rd quarter interception, and he was on for a potential punt return (which he ended up fair catching).

We're pretty sure Bob Seger wrote [what has become] the Chevy theme song after this guy...

Things That Were Not Awesome:

1. Benny

Two things -

- 2.9 yards attempt with a 32 % completion percentage

- 20 of 40 for 174 and a pick

Ick. Ben was due to have a shit performance on the stat sheet.

While we're giving Ben "the number one thing that wasn't awesome" we are certainly not saying this loss falls on his shoulders.

Numerous dropped passes. Bengals terrorizing his face. Some brutal play calls (yep, we went there). All of these things attributed to Ben's awful stat sheet.

You feel that? That's everyone jumping off the "Big Ben for MVP" bandwagon. See ya guys, have fun talking about how awesome Aaron Rodgers is.

"Put in Batch" - as sad as it is, guaranteed someone said that on Polish Hill while sucking down their fourteenth IC Light.

Like me keep emphasizing, we'll be OK.

We're still with ya Ben. Keep doing what ya do!

2. The Offensive Line

You knew this was coming......

So far this season, we've praised the Offensive Line for their consistent and dominant play. They really have played their balls off.

Trai Essex has done a great job filling in for Darnell Stapleton.

Justin Hartwig is shoving dudes into the ground, on a weekly basis.

They have all really come together as a unit, this season. Blah blah blah blah. We are big fans of the O-Line.

Except for, yesterday.

Ben got lit up and was constantly pressured. The 48 year old ladies enjoying themselves at Chippendales, had less dudes in their face.

The Bengals brought the house on every series and it just seemed to be too much. It was just an off day...

We'll chalk it up to that.

Rebound boys, rebound.

3. Shayne Graham


If Clay Aiken and Sinead O' Conner had a kid.....on meth, they would have birthed Shayne Graham.

Spell your name correctly, douche.

4/5 of from field goal range. Greg Oden is jealous of that ratio.

By the rules of OFTOT, any NBA reference should end that section in which the reference was made.


4. Phil Simms
Recycled from Week 3's recap...

"The crowd wants interference on every play."

Eat me, Phil.

Because it sounds so ludicrous that there might have been pass interference?

And what do you care anyhow?

Amazing you can even call the game with Carson Palmer's nuts in your mouth.

If you never call another Steelers game, it'll be too soon.

5. Bengals Fans

We don't really get all up in arms about stuff like this.

If these idiots want a lien on their karma, that's their problem.

But if we were Bengals fans, we wouldn't be celebrating just yet.

With a cupcake schedule of seven games left, things may seem awfully bright for the Bengals and their fans.

But maybe they should go back and check out the 2005-2006 season for a refresher.

How many years do you think that guy's been waiting to torch a terrible towel after the Bengals swept a season series?

Probably the same number of years as it's been since he's seen a woman naked that isn't his Mother.


Things That Made Us Reach For The Cat Tranquilizers:

1. Troy Down!

This conversation begins and ends with Troy Polamalu leaving the field during the 1st quarter of yesterday's game.

No one knew what happened except that he went to the locker room to have his left knee examined.

And that it was time to buy some shots.

From the sounds of it, there may be a chance he can play next week, but we probably won't know for sure until Tomlin's presser tomorrow.

Either way, I guess we can all thank Jimmy Fallon for this one...the man ruins everything he touches.

2. Who The Hell Is Bernard Scott?

We doubt you need us to remind you that the only touchdown scored by either team yesterday was Bernard Scott's 96 yard kick return.

Josh Cribbs, Percy Harvin, Bernard Scott.

One of these things is not like the others...


Also, Jeff Reed once again gets an F minus in tackling.

Of course, he's a kicker. It's not really his job. But it becomes his job when the rest of his unit gets caught with their thumbs up their asses.

This trend just cannot continue. It's jaggery like this that catches up to you in big games.

Time to light a fire, Ligashesky.

2. The Milkshake Intercepts Big Ben

Ben's pretty much good for one of these a game.

And usually, it's excusable because undoubtedly his 29 or so other pass attempts will leave the opposing defense with full knowledge of how his ass tastes.

But not yesterday.

Inaccurate throw, deflected pass, intercepted by a defensive lineman.

It doesn't get much more painful than that without a catheter being involved.

At least the defense managed to hold the Bengals to a field goal, despite the fact that they started that "drive" at our 14 yard line.

Also, we feel the need to mention again that it was Mewelde Moore who saved this from being a pick six.


3. Jonathan Fanene, Sack Machine.


Oh, one of the guys from "The Headshrinkers?" We didn't know he played football now....

Pronounced "Fa-Nay-Nay," this Bengals defensive lineman racked up two solo sacks and six total tackles. Did we even mention this dude in the preview?

Next time, the Steelers will get a voodoo doll to keep this dude in check. Does that even make sense?

Recap is going down fast. We need a Fresca and a nap.

4. Brian Leonard, Again!!!

Three catches for 24 yards and a third and ten conversion, for a first.

Damnit to hell!

We'd rather do a head first slide into a stadium urinal trough, than watch this small man continue to convert first downs against the Steelers D.

Frustration at it's finest.

5. "The Bengals Have Sole Position of 1st Place in The AFC North Division"

Party at this guys house.

We don't need to say anymore.......

Random Things That Are Only Marginally Related:

Here's a list of things that could be worse than the Steelers getting swept by the Bengals...

1. Being Britney Spears trapped in the body of a middle aged man (either that or being George Michael...we're not sure which is more accurate here).

2. Trying to block the Steelers defense while bareassed...

3. A Monday Night Game Featuring the Browns and Ravens.

Enjoy that one.

4. Getting scored on with .4 seconds remaining and then losing in overtime!


5. Two Hungover Kids Trying To Be Funny After A Devastating Loss

Yep, that's us.

**recap, over.**

OK now that's over and done with - "baaaaaaaaaaaaaaarf."

Next up, the Chiefs.

What can we say about the Chiefs that hasn't already been said about the Blue Collar Comedy Tour?

They suck.

Get r'done!

If you haven't already, become a fan of OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog network and follow Cotter and Steve on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.

Comments (5)
  • king.of.kenya  - Don't Diss the Greggy
    "4/5 of from field goal range. Greg Oden is jealous of that ratio."

    Low blow against a boy who's picking up steam with every double-double. Don't kid, you guys don't know what you're talking about here.
  • Cotter
    Why would you ever take anything we write seriously?
  • Grumpy
    +100 for the Peter North reference, especially from guys too young to remember the "Beer Can" in his prime. Bengals still have to play the Vikings and the Chargers. Even so, we'll probably need to win out or go 6-1 to have a chance at the division. Greg Oden? A stress fracture waiting to happen.
  • tiny  - as;dflkjewaoip
    If I ever see a shotgun formation on another 3rd and short I will cry.

    And then I will drown myself in the creek outside our house (it's a big creek, I swear... more like a river... but whatever).

    Great recap. Frustrating game. But we'll move on.
  • Joey Porter's Pit Bulls  - There's Hope Yet ...

    Great Line:
    "The Bengals have a winning season about as often as someone purchases a Limas Sweed jersey."

    ... but, it might be pointed out, more often than our very own Pittsburgh Pirates.

    Hmmm ... the Bengals' schedule: I didn't realize they still have to play the Chargers and Vikings. I could definitely see the Bengals losing both games, so-o-o-o ... if the Steelers win out, and the Bengals lose two games, the Steelers win the division. Capesce?
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