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Dey Are Who We Dought Dey Were... E-mail
Written by Captain Planet   
November 12, 2009 17:26


What? So it's the same picture, but did you think we would just recycle the same post from Week 3 and hope you didn't notice? Come on, we're better than that.

At least that's what our mothers tell us...

Each week this season, we have provided an in-depth look at our opponents roster, and what they bring to the table. Usually this just results in us making inappropriate jokes about how their defensive line is overweight and their secondary is just a bunch of illiterate clowns (which in the case of the Bengals is probably appropriate).

Now, we've already verbally manhandled the Bengals once this season. That was fun. This time around we'd like to see the Steelers back up our nonsense and come out with the W.

In what was one of the more frustrating games we've witnessed in the Ben Roethlisberger Era (CATCH THE BALL, SWEED!), our Steelers fell to the Bengals 23-20 in Week # 3 (you all know this, but we have provided this info again for the stragglers who are once again jumping on the Steelers bandwagon, half way through the season).

Following this Bengal victory, many experts prematurely proclaimed the Bengals as the new powerhouse in the AFC North Division. Then they went on to beat the Ravens and Chris Collinsworth came in his pants when he announced the Bengals to be a "legit contender."

We're obligated to post that picture anytime someone mentions Collinsworth. It's in the OFTOT manual right under "when in doubt, photoshop."


Are they a legit contender?


Their record certainly suggests they are.


But we'd like to think the Steelers will have something to say about that this Sunday.

We'll get to that in our preview post tomorrow.


Until then, let's take a look at the Bengals regular season thus far.....

Week # 1

Loss 12 - 7 vs the Denver Broncos (Home)


The Bengals had this game in hand until a stroke of mile-high-magic turned the tide in the waning seconds.


The best part was, that was the only touchdown scored by the Broncos in that game.


At the time, no one really knew that either team would go on to win at least six games, and given their records from last season, we figured we'd have a better chance of seeing Marian Hossa win a Stanley Cup.


You might say that because the Broncos beat the Bengals and the Steelers just humiliated the Broncos, the Steelers are set to rain such a shit storm down on the Bengals that they better bring plenty of tissues with them. But let's be honest, any division game would be an epic duel...



A division game with implications like this could look like the movie, 300.


The Steelers basically have no choice but to win this game. Somebody's gotta hand these jokers a division loss, and obviously we can't rely on whatever's left of the Browns.


What were we talking about again?


Oh yeah...


Week # 2

Win 31 - 24 vs the Green Bay Packers (Away)


You'd never know it by looking at the score, but the Bengals almost shit all over their sheets for a second week in a row against the Packers.


With under a minute left, the Packers kicked a field goal to make it 31-24, recovered the ensuing onside kick and proceeded to drive down to the Bengals 10 yard line before they pulled a Willie Colon (and/or a Chris Kemoeatu) - ending the game on a false start penalty.


Impressive, isn't it.


Anyways, this was also the game in which Antwan Odom registered five sacks, four against the Packers backup left tackle.


Big deal.


The only person who hasn't sacked Aaron Rogers this season is Mike Holmgren (but he has sacked a lot of Big Macs).


Fortunately, Antwan Odom was fraudulent to begin with and is now on IR anyhow.


One of the dudes replacing him is named Frostee.



If you're scared of a dude who's named after a milkshake, you need to reevaulate your life.


The other dude is named Michael Johnson.



Unless winning this game means running a 400 meter sprint, we're pretty sure Max Starks can handle this jagoff.


We just wrote a whole bunch of words that had nothing to do with the Bengals-Packers week 2 game.



Week #3
Win 23 - 20 vs the Pittsburgh Steelers (Home)



No way in hell we're trying to relive this shit show.


You're gonna have to walk down memory lane stag on this one.


We're sure Bengals fans were quite pleased.


Cool, go erect a billboard about it.

Week # 4
Win 23 - 20 vs the Cleveland Browns (Away)



Say what you want about the Bengals success this season, it still took them until there were 7 seconds left in OT to beat the Browns.


The Browns, you may remember, started a QB in this game whose rating has been lower than his age more than once this season.


Signature win, indeed.


Other things to know about this game...

- Cedric Benson only managed 74 yards against the Browns D,

- Carson Palmer got picked once,

- Jordan Palmer picked his nose twice, and

- The Bengals had an extra point blocked.



Week # 5
Win 17 - 14 vs the Baltimore Ravens (Away)

If Ray Lewis didn't want to re-create his Super Bowl night from 1999 and try to kill OchoCinco, the Ravens may have pulled this one out.

Maybe Ray Ray didn't like the fact that Ocho never gives him "follow friday" love.


Join Twitter and you'll understand....

Ravens suck.

Moving on......

Week # 6
Loss 28 - 17 vs the Houston Texans (Home)

Texans pro bowler, Owen Daniels made this spectacular one handed catch to pretty much seal the deal in week six. Daniels was then rewarded by a Bengal defender who dove at his knee on the next series, tearing Daniels' ACL and ending his season.



The Bengals got worked by the Texans. Simply out played on both sides of the ball. How or why? We don't know......

The Texans are more confusing than the ending to Donnie Darko.

That one was brutal for the Bengal faithful (?), just ask Tigger....



Did her boyfriend go as Piglet?


Wait a minute, let's be serious - this chick doesn't have a boyfriend.

We could go all day. Have at it. This chick is just screaming to be made fun of.


Week # 7

Win 45 - 10 vs the Chicago Bears (Home)

Bengals drunken ex-con, Cedric Benson, was able to avenge his reputation against the team that drafted him out of college in this stomping of the Bears.

Captain Benson ran for a buck-eighty nine and a touchdown, popping a boner while doing a victory lap to rub it in the face of Bill Schwerski and his super-fans.

Quite frankly, we didn't give two shits about this game as it pitted the two teams who defeated the Steelers against each other. Jealous? Yes, we are.

Skippy hits a field goal and Sweed catches a TD pass - and the Steelers are 8-0. That's the last time we'll say that because we'll remind you of what coach Tomlin says -

"that would be an excuse, and we don't make those"

Here We Go...

In other news, we've located Bigfoot.....and he is a Bengals fan:


O'Doyle Rules!

Week # 8
Notes: Chris Henry and Tank Johnson knocked over a convenience store.

In related Tank Johnson news, he's now an accomplished writer:



Tolstoy ain't got shit on Tank.

Topics to vary?

Here is a list of topics we assume will appear:

1. Guns and Ammo

2. Bling and Bling and....more bling


3. How To Hold Yourself Hostage

4. Swiss Cake Rolls vs Twinkies: The Ultimate Showdown

5. Picking up 18 year Olds; with guest writer, Chris Henry can continue the fun, in the comments.

Hahaha. This team is funnier than Carrot Top.

Week # 9
Win 17 - 7 vs the Baltimore Ravens (Home)

Sidenote: We didn't know Kevin from The Office was a Bengals fan.


The Bengals beat the Ravens again and this guy hosted a party in his Zubaz (a well attended one, no doubt).


Chill out. The Ravens are all but finished, and they're obviously not the team they were last year.

We don't really care what happened in this game and you shouldn't either.


Though, any excuse to make fun of the Bengals and their fans, we'll take.

Having a blog is cool.

Call us later...


Other things we found while searching Google Images...


We hear Carson Palmer owns three of these...



Ladies and gentlemen, the White Bootsy Collins...



Kijana Carter...what's up with his life?



Yes, seriously...


And finally, someone tell Chad Johnson they found his toy...



Steelers got this one in the bag, right?

If you haven't already, become a fan of OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog network and follow Cotter and Steve on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.

Comments (7)
  • Sean
    Anytime someone mentions Cris Collinsworth, I think of a video my roommate (Bengals fan) showed me. Its an interview of him during his playing days. He said he only like girls in the 14-18 year old range, because once they were older, they got too smart for him.

    Unfortunately, its no longer on youtube. Can't imagine why
  • Grumpy
    I think that chick lives down the street from me. Anyway, if Tomlin doesn't go for it on 4th down and Sweed could catch something besides a cold, we wouldn't be having this conversation. And Arians kind of turtled with an 11 pt. lead. Defense is back, Ben is Ben; this won't be close.
  • Cotter
    I like where your head's at :)
  • bluzdude
    We have to beat these clowns this time, but I don't think it will be a problem. As you've demonstrated, they're not really that good. Plus they just lost Chris Henry. Ike owns Chad. Look for the beatdown to rain over Palmer.

    Speaking of recycled posts, when I previewed the first Steelers/Bengals game, I told the story of attending the 2005 playoff game there, and barely making it out of there in one piece. Class is one thing the Bungles have yet to learn. Check it out, if you wish:
  • Cotter
    Haha, you had me at the picture of the dude with the Brokeback cowboy hat and orange feather boa.
  • bluzdude
    Yeah, that was Big, Drunk and Ugly, during the daylight. Unfortunately, looking at him in the dark did improve the view any. Guy was a major hemorrhoid.
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