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Monday Is D-Day For Denver... E-mail
Written by Captain Planet   
November 05, 2009 15:58
invasiondenver2

At this point, you may be wondering what we were smoking when we came up with that photojob idea, and theme.

Well, the answer is, the Denver Post...
invasion

Not surprisingly, the word has spread out west.

Steeler fans are a force, not unlike the pig flu.

No matter where you are, you can't escape.

And if they didn't know before, any Broncos fans who read the Denver Post now know that.

But we know that it's going to take way more than several thousand drunken yinzers to bring home a win on Monday.

Regardless of whether you think they deserve their 6-1 record, the Broncos are a team to beat.

The good news is, Bawlmore did us a favor last week and gave them the royal sodomy treatment for 60 minutes, ultimately embarrassing them, 30-7.

Tomlin thinks they ran into a buzzsaw.

We think they ran face first into reality.

And that reality is, the Broncos are about as physical as a pair of figure skaters (at least on Offense...though Kyle Orton would beg to differ).

We will give them this - their defense has turned a bigger 360 than Rick Ankiel.

Last season, the Broncos defense was 29th out of 32 teams in total defense.

This season, they're #1(ranked #6 against the pass and #3 against the run), they're giving up the least total yards, the 2nd least points, and they feature one of the only two men in the NFL with more sacks than James Harrison, Elvis Dumervil (the other sack guru ahead of Harrison is Jared Allen...go figure).

So by all accounts, the move from a 4-3 to a 3-4 under Defensive Coordinator Mike Nolan has been a rousing success, unlike Matt Hasslebeck's pedo-stache.

Anyways, we've obviously got plenty to say about the Broncos, so we're just going to get on with it.

When it's all over, as usual we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Sort it out...

Quarterback(s)
orton

Ironically (given the image above), the name of Kyle Orton's game is good decision-making.

He throws for the least yards per game out of any of the top 15 QBs, but he's also thrown the least interceptions (ONE!).

And his offensive line has certainly given him a decent enough time to find success through the air (he's been sacked 11 times).

But with the exception of Baltimore, he also hasn't exactly faced what we'd characterize as a "defense."

The Bengals, Browns, Raiders, Cowboys and Chargers put defenders on the field. But in our opinion, what happens after that is more of a series of jazz hands and other ballet moves that we'd name if we knew what they were called than anything else (they also played the Pats in there, but we call that a push).

We'll use last week against the Ravens as our scouting report since - A) we don't know what a real scouting report would look like, B) we figure the Ravens D is similar enough to make this work, and C) we make the rules around here.

In last week's game, Orton and the Broncos' played small ball, trying to create drives using the short passing game. In fact, the longest pass they completed was 23 yards over the middle to tight end Daniel Graham in garbage time. So basically, don't expect Orton to take a page out of Rex Grossman's book on Monday Night.

Also, Big Ben's beard was 50 times better than Orton's, with 50% less effort...
neckbeard

Running Back(s)
moreno

That is Denver Bronco rookie, Knowshon Moreno. Impressive, yes.

For awhile, the Broncos replaced a 1,000 yard running back with another 1,000 yard running back (Tatum Bell? Mike Anderson? How?), with another, with another, and so-on. While that legend looked to continue with guys like Peyton Hillis and Ryan Torian, we think Moreno will be around for awhile and stop the lame trend.

A top fifteen talent in the league, Moreno needs to stay healthy and keep the ball in his hands if he wants to stick around. That's us sounding like we know how to coach professional football players.

Splitting time with Moreno is former Eagle, Correll Buckhalter.

Nevermind the second half of this video, just remember what he did to us last year -


Word on the street is, Ike Taylor is looking to break legs, Monday night.

While their wide-outs are pro-bowl caliber (preview in the next section. hold on, you spaz) we believe the Denver Bronco running backs are more of a concern for our banged up defense.

No doubt, Farrior well welcome Moreno to the NFL, during the first series with an open handed pimp slap.

Wide Receivers
brandonmarshall1

Sidebar - we imagine that's what Limas Sweed's face would look like if he ever actually caught a ball.

Here's a list of Broncos receivers - Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal, Brandon Stokley, Jabar Gaffney and Brandon Lloyd.

From this, we deduce that the main criteria the Broncos look for in their wideouts is the name Brandon.

Also, here's a list of guys who have more receiving yards than Denver's leading receiver, Brandon Marshall - Mike Wallace (yep), TJ Houshmanzadeh, Torry Holt, Jericho Cotchery, and Jeremy Shockey.

Still, the guy's scored four TDs, which constitutes roughly 1/3 of Denver's total number of TDs on the season.

And he's not the speed guy, that's Eddie Royal.

So the obvious observation is that he's a threat in the red - you know, like the color of that thing between his legs where his dick is supposed to be - zone.

Can Ike Taylor handle him?

We'll just have to find out.

As for the rest of the Brandons - despite what he does on Monday, Brandon Stokley is still our hero, and you have a better chance of finding Brandon Lloyd in the dictionary next to the word, "bust," than you would of seeing him dress for a game.

Eddie Royal? The only place we expect to see him appear is Denver's return game (he ran two back against the Chargers three weeks ago).

And Jabar Gaffney - two years ago with the Pats he may have put up 122 yards, but last year he had but one lonely catch against us for 2 yards. Plus, every time we hear someone say his name we think they're referring to the elephant king of children's books, Babar...
babarjabar

Image is the handiwork of these gentlemen, who hopefully won't castrate us for degrading their fine work with our idiocy.

Offensive Line
clady

They will be without their starting right tackle.....

Their starting left tackle is 2nd year player (pictured above...we think), Ryan Clady....

Their center, Casey Wiegmann, is working on his 14th season and we haven't been watching but, rumor has it, his knees are worse than Robert Parrishs' .

Kuper and Hamilton as your right and left guards respectively. Pretending we know anything about these guys would be bullshitting you. We don't do that. Just watch these guys battle Casey and Keisel Monday night and that's all you'll need to know.

However, as always, we expect the Denver Broncos O-line to be top notch. We just expect Starks and the boys to be more dominate.

In other words....

Who's laughing now O-Line?
05afc championship

(ps: that 's from the AFC Championship celebration in Denver, in 2005. In case you just joined Steeler nation...... we know you're out there)


Defensive Line
bucketman

"DOWN IN FRONT, FAT MAN IN THE BUCKET!!"

If we went to a Denver game, and Col. Sanders stood naked, in a bucket, in our section.....we'd push him down the steps. No questions asked.

Sure, he's probably a nice guy but, you know he's not sitting down in that oil drum. And even if he does, he has to smell of wet grass and old gym socks. Not the type of guy we want to share our football experience with.

What does this have to do with the Defensive Line? Absolutely nothing.

We needed something to fill because the cast of California Dreams is more recognizable than the Broncos defensive line.

Stop us if you are familiar with these guys - Kenny Peterson? Ronald Fields? Ryan McBean?

We know McBean because, he was drafted by the Steelers but then released to make room for Nick Eason. Not something you want to be remembered for....

Other than that, there isnt much. Their defense is strong against the run and apparently Fields and Peterson are underrated. But, stopping Tashard Choice is a bit different from stopping Rashard Mendenhall.

We think...... ha.

Linebackers
midgetelvis

The best player on the Broncos defense couldn't ride the Thunderbolt at Kennywood.

Outside Linebacker, Elvis Dumervil stands a meer 5 foot 11 and resembles an Ewok in shoulder pads.

Despite not being able to reach the top shelf at the super market, he is leading the Broncos with ten sacks, thus far. The pesky little pass-rusher out of Louisville was a problem for Marvel Smith back in '07 and was up Ben's ass for the majority of that game. That's has no relevance now, as Marvel is retired.

Dumervil has already garnered "pro bowl" attention and should be a focal point of the Steelers blocking scheme.......even if he get reach the pedals in his own car.

D.J Williams is not a DJ but he is however, a former first round draft pick of the Broncos. Not much on this guy other than the fact, he'll be the one you'll want to push into traffic when he says "THE U" during the starting lineups.

Former Cleve' Brownie, Andra Davis, man's the other inside linebacker position and has already record 47 tackles this season. Davis has been known as one of the leagues best run stoppers, and jumped at the opportunity to sign with Denver after he became a free agent in Cleveland. Denver? Cleveland? That like deciding between Spam and Shit.

Defensive captain, Mario Haggan, rounds out the BEST linebacking corp IN THE NFL!!!!

Please note sarcasm. Declaring that the Broncos have the best defense in the league would be both premature and stupid. Chris Collinsworth should read this post.

Secondary
clipdemwangs

This may be the only Broncos defensive unit we truly fear.

Anytime you're staying across the line at Brian Dawkins, that's bound to happen.

He's probably the only guy over 35 we can say that about besides Greg Lloyd.

And then there's Champ Bailey...which is not just a clever name. This dude has been knocking out NFL receivers as possibly the league's premier shut down corner for just over a decade now (at least that's how long he's been around anyhow). Just ask Big Ben. In the last regular season matchup he played in against us, Bailey snagged two INTs off of Large Benjamin, and was a major part of the Broncos winning effort.

Also, his brother's name is Boss.

Can we trade parents?

Finally, you've got a pair of former Dolphins in CB Andre Goodman and SS Renaldo Hill. These two were picked up for a combined $30+ million this past offseason (or roughly 1/100th of the New York Yankees payroll), and seem well worth it. We'd tell you more about them, but we saved this section for last and we're exhausted.

Head Coach
firemcdaniels

If you didn't scratch your head when the Broncos fired Mike Shanahan at the end of last season, you should probably stick to finger painting.

The guy was, and still is, a legend.

But, you know, they say the NFL is a young man's game, and as fans of a team whose Head Coach recently became the youngest in NFL history to win a Super Bowl, we oughta understand that one.

Enter Josh McDaniels.

For the past couple of offseasons, no one in America has been propositioned more than Josh McDaniels (with the exception of the Denver cheerleaders).

Everyone wants to pluck an apple off of Bill Belichick's coaching tree, and since McDaniels was the latest to assume the position in New England - where his offense in 2007 was more productive than Kate Gosselin's uterus - NFL GMs were prematurely ejaculating at the thought of hiring him.

He had some minor bumps in the road early on like, you know, trading the Bronco's franchise QB to the Bears for the aforementioned Kyle Orton, but the Broncos brought him in to win games, and win games he has - six of them in seven opportunities.

Regardless of where the Broncos season heads, we can't help but think this sounds an awful lot like another former New England coach's situation...that coach being Eric Mangini.

In 2006, the Jets hired Mangina and after a 10-6 season, heralded him as the NFL equivalent of Steven Hawking (coining the now laughable nickname, "Mangenius"). Needless to say, the next season his Jets shit the bed, ending with a 4-12 record, and the rest is history.

Will the same happen to McDaniels? Who knows, and really, who cares. We just wanted to bring it up.

Anyways, here's the only other thing you need to know about Josh McDaniels...


We take no responsibility for the creations of people with too much time on their hands. We just post 'em.

There ya have it. This is the team everyone crowned, Super Bowl champions, after five weeks. They've beat New England, Dallas, San Diego, the Bungals, the RAIDERS, and.....the shit-storm that is, the Cleveland Browns. Resume of a champion? You decide.

Regardless who we've played, we acknowledge the fact that Monday night will be one of the tougher games, this season. We're ready. Tomlin is ready. You know, Silverback is ready.

Are you? (We still got 4 days, so it's OK if you need a minute or two to take your tampon out and put your jersey on)

Harry and Lloyd sum it all up -


Obligatory Footer - If you haven't already, become a fan of OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog networkand follow Cotter and Steve on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.


Comments (3)
  • Grumpy
    avatar
    I'm ready, but seriously, wouldn't it have been better for them to beat Baltimore? The Ravens being in our division and all.
  • Cotter
    avatar
    Well yeah, of course. But if they weren't going to lose, the least the Ravens could do was beat the Broncos up for us a bit.
  • Tony F
    avatar
    Great Read, funny as hell also. GO STEELERS
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