|Are Those Horns On Your Helmet or Are You Just Happy To See Me?|
|Written by Captain Planet|
|October 22, 2009 16:02|
By now it's gotta be more than evident that we're Silky John-son-sized haters.
Each week, we've thrown our best jabs at some of the most hateable teams and players in the NFL (at least from where we're standing).
But few people in the NFL are more hateable than Brett Favre.
Look it up, it's science.
As for Minnesota in general, if you predicted the Steelers would get them at 6-0, your name must be Anthony Smith.
And yet, here they are, enjoying their position as one of the league's four unbeaten teams.
Of course, let us not forget that among the six teams they've beaten are Detroit, St. Louis, San Francisco (who they needed a "miracle drive" to beat), and Cleveland.
So before we start fondling Brett Favre's balls, let's just take a moment to realize the big picture.
Yeah, they beat the Ravens last weekend.
But only because the Ravens blew a last second field goal opportunity that would've given them the game...
So much for Steven Hauschka's revenge.
Mike Tomlin will never let that kind of thing happen to the Steelers...
We don't care what anyone says, if you're Mike Tomlin, you want to beat the Vikings for more than just another win.
Anyways, we could probably go on and throw out like six more paragraphs of meaningless banter, but it's been a long week already, and some of us are feeling pretty drained creatively (Cotter).
So we're gonna just stop here and move on to "previewing" the Vikings in traditional position-by-position fashion.
Your continued patronage in this moment of weakness is appreciated.
Brett [Insert Gerund Form of King of All Expletives Here] Favre.
Outside of his own family, Peter King, and of course, Vikings fans, we figure you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who if given the chance wouldn't wanna deliver Favre a swift kick to the face.
"Wait, no I'm not."
"Ok, this time it's for real."
"Psych, just kidding."
"No, seriously though, it's been fun, but this is it for me."
"Oops, what I really meant was that I'm just a lazy bitch who doesn't feel like going through training camp."
If you want us to be honest, we're fully aware of Brett Favre's ability. After all, you don't top Dan Marino for most TD passes thrown by being Rex Grossman. But as we're obligated to do when mentioning that stat, we'd like to point out that he also holds the record for most INTs thrown. Not to mention the record for most consecutive days without shaving (currently, he's somewhere near 3,196).
If the Steelers pass rush consistently pressures him, he's liable for about two or three INTs.
It's not important to mention what will happen if they don't, because they will.
Also, Tavaris Jackson is a joke.
We don't need to make any crappy jokes or spew any useless information or stats.
Adrian Peterson is a man. A man that plays professional football very well.
The Steelers haven't allowed a 100 yard rusher since Noah built "The Arc," but that may be in jeporday this weekend. As long as he's prohibited from scoring touchdowns, we're cool with that. Plus, if his sprained ankle and the Heinz Field turf have anything to say about it, Peterson's Sunday may be about as enjoyable as a colonoscopy.
Chester Taylor may also see some action at RB on third down situations. He's not much of a factor, mainly because his first name is Chester.
Yes, we know that's Visanthe Shiancoe's cock. We don't care. We couldn't respect ourselves as bloggers if we got through a whole Vikings team preview without posting it. Deal.
Sidney Rice leads the Vikings in receiving yards and receiving TDs. He's tall, he's quick, he's smart, and he's Jerry Rice's son (just kidding - he is Jerry Rice's son, but not THAT Jerry Rice). Other than that, last week he netted more yards in one game than he did in all of 2008, and suffice it to say that Ike Taylor better wear his big boy pants on Sunday.
Percy Harvin is injured (which probably just means he wants to smoke weed without the fear of being tested).
If you've ever had Bernard Berrian on your fantasy team, you know that he's about as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
And there's a reason why no one knew who Greg Lewis was before the Vikings played the 49ers.
Anytime you've got Bryant McKinnie, Steve Hutchinson and Phil Loadholt on the same line, you're going to be about as impenetrable as Jessica Simpson before she married Nick Lachey.
Ok, so maybe that's hyperbole.
But still, Keisel, Big Snack and whoever is lucky enough to be rotated in at Left Defensive End will be staring across the line of scrimmage at a solid unit.
PS - That image above actually came up on the 1st page of results when we searched for "Vikings Offensive Line." We could've made that up, but we didn't.
We think this a photojob......not quite sure.....regardless, it is quite humorus and we did not make it.
If there was one dude in the NFL that we could pluck from another team and dress him for the Steelers, it would be Jared Allen.
Not strategy wise (he is more of a pass-rushing defensive end. Steelers would not utilize him in a 3-4), but personality wise.
This rugged, longhaired, freak show is the prototypical yinzer.
Don't believe us, watch this -
Abstinence is preached on Carson Street each and every Saturday. Just ask Santonio Holmes.
Anyways, Jared Allen may end Max Starks' career on Sunday. We'd like to think he won't but, it really is a possibility. Dude is THAT good.
As for their DT's -
That's a HUGE bitch[es]!!!!
Pat and Kevin Williams are not brothers, but they have eaten a few in their lifetime.
These two large boys were under investigation for illegally taking steroids last season and were suspended for 4 games. Their suspension was then overturned when they threatend to eat the Mall of America.
Extreme (crotch) close up.....woooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
EJ Henderson is the man in the middle with 47 tackles.......but he wears Purple.
Chad Greenway is a former first round pick who has superstar potential........but he wears Purple.
Ben Leber is seven-year pro who has been the "underdog" his entire life.........but he wears Purple.
Really intimidating, you fruit loops.
While we are at it - the pigtails on your logo are "oh-so-cute."
You can tell we really didnt have much to work with here.........
At this point, we might as well call these dudes the "Tertiary."
Right now, the Vikings secondary is in worse shape than the city of Detroit.
As we've mentioned numerous times this week, Antoine Winfield has a better chance of getting a spongebath this weekend than an interception (and good for him). There's just about zero chance this guy will play.
Which means it's up to his understudy Karl Paymah, to stop Santonio.
There's a chance those duties may fall to Benny Sapp or Asher Allen (not to be confused with that d-bag, Asher Roth), but no matter who gets tapped to fill Winfield's shoes, we're confident that Santonio will smoke 'em like they were a watermelon flavored blunt.
As for the Vikings safeties, like we said this morning - the only ones who weren't held out of practice yesterday were Tyrell Johnson and Jamarca Sanford.
Nothing against those guys, but the worst thing for a team going up against the Steelers right now is to have problems and/or injuries in their Secondary.
We can hear Ben salivating from here.
Brad Childress looks like a cross between Cloris Leachman (seen above) and a cue ball.
We really couldn't care less about him, though, because let's be honest, Brett Favre is running the Vikings now.
Childress is an also-ran.
So, there you have it.
Certainly far from our best work, but we all have our off days.
If you'd like to log a complaint, you can feel free to eat us.
And if you'd like some REAL entertainment, you should probably watch this.
Oh yeah, Pirates > Vikings.
Thoughts on the Vikings, anyone?
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