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Dead Men Walking


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Written by Steve   
September 29, 2009 21:17


Last week, we provided you fine human specimens with some serious knowledge about the Cincinnati Bengals.

 

This week, we figured we'd venture to give you the same kind of serious knowledge about the San Diego SuperChargers.

 

Of course, we're no strangers to the Bolts. Nor are they strangers to the Burgh. Sunday's game actually marks the 3rd time in the last 11 months that the San Diego-ans will have to trek across this vast nation for a date at Heinz Field.

 

Only this time, the temperature should be somewhere well above "my dick is frozen to my leg"...

weather

 

Besides the weather at Ye Olde Heinz Field, not much has changed between our last meeting and now.

 

Last January, LT didn't play and the Chargers rushed for an eye-popping total of 15 yards. They also passed for a total of 308 yards and 3 TDs, pretty much relying on Philip Rivers' arm to do all the dirty work (that's what she said).

 

This year, LT's hurt again and the Chargers highest rush total of 55 yards (by LT) came against the Raiders.

 

LT's replacement, Darren Sproles?

 

Well, he's an omni-present threat, whom we think is a fantastic little waterbug.

 

But if Ray Lewis can handle him...

 

...we certainly think Silverback and his merrymen can do the same...

 

harrison_hurdle

 

Plus, did you see anyone blocking Ray Lewis on that play?

 

Unless it was the ghost of Ron Burgundy, us neither.

 

Of course, like we mentioned yesterday, any team with Philip Rivers is a dangerous one. And our defense better be ready to go.

 

Through three games this season, the Chargers have already scored 73 total points (24 of those against the Ravens, by the way).

 

The Steelers?

 

Well, their total points scored are almost equal to their total points left on the board (we totally made that up for dramatic effect, but it sounds about right, doesn't it?).

 

Regardless, it's pretty clear that the Chargers have about as good of a chance of stopping the run as Gary Coleman has of growing three inches. Right now, without all-pro NT Jamal Williams, they rank 26th against the run, and they've only registered 3 total sacks (not that the Steelers defense can claim to be much better in that category).

 

We'd say that this is great news, but at this point we're reluctant to say anything involving the running game and/or the offensive line that isn't "there may be one."

 

For what it's worth, if the Steelers are able to snag one against Felipe Rios and friends, they've got the Lions and then the Browns on the horizon. Assuming both continue to bottom feed like the guy who played Screech on Saved By The Bell, the Steelers could be looking at 4-2 and a significantly more promising record than their current 1-2. On the other hand, drop this game and the Steelers would have to win both of those just to get back to .500.

 

Anyways, we've pussy-footed around it enough.

 

So without further ado, we give you an OFTOT look at the Chargers, unencumbered by realism.

 

We hope you enjoy.

 

Oh, and by the way, you'll have to excuse the tardiness of this post...Cotter's microwave is possessed...

possessedmicrowave

Let us begin at the beginning...

 

Quarterback


"Pssssssst I like to wear women's underwear"

 

It's fitting that his last name is Rivers, because this guy's got one hell of a mouth.

 

But we feel that we've spent more than enough time ripping on Philip Rivers, so let this be the last time (today)...

a_PhilipRivers_vt

 

Must've gotten a whif of Shawne Merriman's balls in that one.

 

Oh, and hey, this guy's name is Philip too...

 

What a spaz.

Running Backs
LT HURT

Lets get right to it - when healthy, LaDanian Tomlinson is arguably the best running back in the NFL. We'd take him on the Steelers any day of the week (insert running game joke here). Problem being, LaDanian has not been healthy in quite some time and has slowly taken a back seat to the emerging, Darren Sproles.

Sproles is a tiny little man who is known to cause problems for defenses. And by "Defenses" we mean - "Any Other Defense Besides the Steelers."  In a starting role last year, Sproles carried the ball eleven times for fifteen yards. Not exactly a problem, huh?

Sproles does have some "big play" making ability (football announcer cliche -FTW!) and is a force on kick off and punt returns. When LT retires, the Chargers will be perfectly fine with Sproles in the backfield.

That is until, someone ships him off to the Chocolate Factory with the rest of the Oompa Loompas......

Veteran Michael Bennett is listed as third on the depth chart.

 

Hell, WE could tackle Michael Bennett.


Onward......


Wide Recievers

tallman


Vincent Jackson 6'5

Malcom Floyd 6'5

Legedu Naanee 6'2

Kasim Osgood 6'5

I didn't know they stacked shit that high.....

Point being, the Chargers receivers are tall. Very tall. The four gentlemen listed above have combined for 541 recieving yards in the first three games (Osgood does not have a catch).

Throw in Antonio Gates (6'4) at tight end and the Chargers offensive weapons can cause problems for a team with a smaller secondary. Rivers just has to chuck the ball down field and one of these lanky giraffes can go up over smaller DB's for the catch.

Vincent Jackson has emerged as a legitimate number one receiver in the league. Last time we saw the Chargers (2008 AFC Divisional playoff), Rivers found Jackson over top of Ike Taylor for a 41 yard score in their first possession.

This may be a scary sight for smaller dudes like William Gay, Tyrone Carter, and Deshea Townsend (Ike Taylor's the only member of the Steelers starting secondary who even tops 6 feet, hint hint).

 

Come Sunday, they may feel somewhat like this -

george

The fact that "My Giant" was green-lit as a major motion picture truly emphasizes the point that "anything can happen..."

Back to football....

Offensive Line
whale

The Chargers offensive line is plagued with injury. Marcus McNeil, Kris Dielman, Nick Hardwick, and Louis Vasquez are all banged up, with Jeromey Clary being the only healthy one at LT. Even when healthy, the Chargers O-Line is considered "sub par" at best.

We'd like to provide more of an in-depth anaylisis of the Chargers O-Line but, come on, do you really care about the fat guys who block?

We NEVER talk about the O-Line in Pittsburgh!!

Hopefully, you have detected the sarcasm.


Defensive Line

brick

 

Last Anchorman reference.....that's a promise.

The Chargers defensive line is well, laughable.

They have been depleted upfront ever since losing pro bowl defensive tackle Jamal Williams to injury in the first game of the season. To replace him, San Diego thrusted Ogemdi Nwagbuo into the starting lineup. The 2008 undrafted rookie free agent, who has more vowels in his name than we have dick jokes, is "raw" to say the least. Saying the Chargers downgraded would be an understatement.

Luis Castillo is a guy on which you want to keep an eye (though you might need two or three to take in all 290 pounds of him). A bigger defensive end than most, Castillo is a more athletic version of Aaron Smith. He is annoyingly wide and versatile, routinely causing a mess up front. Think - Rosie O'Donnell in football equipment.

The other defensive end is a man named Jacques Cesaire. The seven year pro has record 5 solo tackles on this young season. If the name Jacques didn't scare you, neither did his stats.....

 

Jacques Cousteau > Jacques Cesaire


Linebackers

shawne-merriman

We looked up "gay pirate" on Google images and this is what we got (don't ask why we're Google image searching for "gay pirate").

Better hope they aren't having chicken wings at this party or homeboy is going to need a bib (or a full-body-condom).

Better hurry up, Ricky Martin needs his wardrobe back.

Sorry, we could be here all day.

Shawne Merriman leads a linebacking corp who (much like the Chargers 0-line) are plagued by injury. Starters Stephen Cooper and Kevin Burnett both are listed as "Questionable" for Sundays game with knee and ankle injuries, respectively. Cooper has established himself as a force inside as he recorded 13 solo tackles in Week 1.

Most of NFL fans are familiar with Merrimans style of play and his maniac antics. When healthy he is one of the most feared linebackers in the league. Then again, he was suspended for HGH.

Add in Pro Bowler Shaun Phillips on the outside and this may be the toughest group of linebackers the Steelers will face this year.


Still, we perfer these two over anyone......

jameswoodley

....even our girlfriends.


Secondary

crom


This is where the Chargers defense gets a little better. Quentin Jammer and Antonio Cromartie are all pro's at the corners. Well, Cromartie is really the only guy Ben should be keeping his eye on.

Jammer has a tendency to jump routes, and the "Big Ben Pump Fake" should make Jammer looks worse than the your fifth grade school picture.

Cromartie is a top five corner in the NFL, no doubt. His ability to go up and get the ball (obv - see above) combined with his blazing speed makes him the number one concern for Bruce Arians and the Steelers offense. We will get more into that later (Game preview tomorrow. wooo!), but for now here is a little reminder of what #31 is capable of -



Clinton Hart and Eric Weddle man the safety positions.

Neat.

No seriously, not much info on these guys and we can't remember anything of significance they did in the two matchups from a year ago.

A scouting report said that they are "vulnerable to the deep ball inside their own 50."

Paging you, Limas Sweed Mike Wallace.

The Head Coach


Norv Turner is about as exciting as a colonoscopy.

Failing in both Washington and Oakland as a head coach, Norv was chosen to man the ship for San Diego after the unexpected firing of Marty Schotenheimer in 2007. Norv (never name your kid Norv...please let us know if you have any idea what that's short for) has led the Chargers to the playoffs in each of his two years at the helm but, his play-calling has been often criticised.

Deemed to be more conservative than your prom dates dress, Marty is on the hot seat in San Diego.

**Fin**

There you have it, an in-depth look at our Week #4 opponent. Learn to dislike the men featured above.

Hope you kids enjoy all this knowledge we just dropped all over your face. Let us know if you didn't, you wont hurt our feelings.

Do you have any opinions on the Chargers?

Scared of anyone on their team?

Have anymore Shawne Merriman jokes?

Let's rally around each other, Steeler Nation. WE NEED A W!!

Here We Go!


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Comments (8)
  • matt
    avatar
    Steve, I was hoping for more Anchorman references...great analysis though.

    "WIN." © Adrian Balboa
  • Cotter
    avatar
    Don't worry, meng. We had to save some Anchorman references for tomorrow's preview. Frankly, it's all we've got on San Diego.
  • Steel Triangle
    avatar
    That is quite an analysis. Norv Turner ... 'nuff said. The Steelers will win this game.
  • Grumpy
    avatar
    Short for Norval. Stupid name to hang on an infant. Great analysis, but more than that, kudos for all the work that went into assembling that post; I can barely figure out how to upload one picture.
  • Head Coach Mike Tomlin  - Great post.
    avatar
    "Big men on blades of grass... the most violent team is going to win."
    Posted image
  • Cotter
    avatar
    I'm impressed you figured out how to put a picture in a comment. Great success!
  • bluzdude  - Just Gotta Do It Myself
    avatar
    I'm so desparate for a win that I'm coming out to Heinz to oversee this one myself.

    I expect the Defense to show up for all 4 quarters this time, or there will be reprocussions. Or just concussions, as I bang my head into the seat in front of me.

    And the only Limas I want to see will be on a bad lunch buffet.
  • Drew
    avatar
    Love the picture of Harrison hurdling LT, can anyone recall when that was and how the game ended?
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