The sky is falling! It's anarchy! The end is nigh! Better check outside, because if the Bengals beat the Steelers, this might be hell!

Alright, friends. Here's the deal. The Steelers are 1-2, it's only week 4, and what's the point of the regular season (besides entertaining us)? To get into the playoffs. So the good news is that with 13 games left, the Steelers should have more than enough chances to right the ship.

Still, that doesn't mean that watching them lose yesterday didn't make you wanna go stick your head in the oven. That game was tougher to watch than an episode of The Hills. If there were a dog and a pickup truck somehow involved, you could've easily written a Country song about what happened to the Steelers yesterday.

For the 2nd straight week, the Steelers came out with a purpose and dominated the 1st quarter like Carson Palmer dominates wieners.

In fact, it took the Bengals until the beginning of the 2nd quarter just to get back to 0 total yards...



Everything seemed to be humming along nicely.

While the Steelers defense was man-handling the Bengals like it was 2008, the Steelers offense amassed 198 yards on their first three drives, which also yielded a 13-0 Steelers lead.

Then, they gambled and lost.

It didn't really seem like it would have that much impact, other than the fact that it probably made most of our neighbors call the cops due to all the screaming. But when the Steelers couldn't convert on 4th and 4 from the Bengals 35 with 1:15 remaining in the 1st half (we're not even going to discuss why they would go for it instead of punting...yet), the Bengals seized the opportunity quicker than Eric Mangini can get himself fired and took the ball 49 yards in 1:06, en route to their first 3 points of the game.

And as we all remember, that wasn't the last time the Bengals capitalized on the Steelers shortcomings...

Anyways, the sooner we start the actual recap the better.

It's kind of like having to watch Project Runway with our girlfriends (not that we've had to do that or anything)...we'd like to just get it over with...

Things That Were Awesome:

1. MIKE. WALLACE.


It's gotta be the mohawk, baby!

After it was all said and done, the Steelers leading receiver yesterday was [the now] #3 option, Mike Wallace. 7 catches (including a 51 yarder), 102 yards, one GIANT statement.

You hear that?

That's the sound of Limas Sweed's tears.

Also, please refrain from making the Mike Wallace-60 minutes joke in the comments. You're all better than that.

Next!

2. Hines Ward Eclipsing The 10,000 Yard Mark


What a career Hines Ward's had in Pittsburgh. If you think there's a meaningful team receiving record that doesn't belong to him, you're wrong. Now, he joins Marvin Harrison, Steve Largent, Rod Smith and Michael Irvin as one of the few receivers who amassed over 10,000 receiving yards while playing for only one team.

Two interference penalties notwithstanding (we'll get to that), the Steelers continue to get great production from Hines. Currently, he's leading the team in receptions and yards receiving.

Oh, and news flash - he's still 33.

3. 93 Yards Out Of Willie Parker


Can't blame the running game NOW, can we? Willie looked like the un-drafted free agent rookie we all have grown to know and love. The O-line got the push up front which allowed for numerous big runs from FWP.

Not to mention - after Ben scrambled and found Willie down the sideline, he made three guys miss on his way to the endzone.

If Willie can repeat his performance, and the O-line can continue to win the battle up front, the offense will be perfectly fine.

Of course, we feel like we've written that sentence a hundred times...

4. Big Snack, Big Sack


Did it ultimately make or break the game? Of course it didn't. Nevertheless, we still enjoyed watching all 1,000 pounds of Casey Hampton lasso Carson Palmer for a 10 yard loss, deep in Bengals territory.

If this were the Pensblog, that'd be a textbook stunned picture.

But it's not.

So let's just keep the recap going...

5. The Offensive Line


But we're not going to give this any more attention, lest we let it go to their heads.


Things That Were Not Awesome:

1. The Announcers


Hey, listen, we get it. It's your job to perpetuate hype. We expect a healthy dose of sensationalism whenever we watch a football game. And granted, the Bengals ended up winning this game. But when Phil Simms' and Jim Nantz's lips were permanently affixed to the Bengals' ass over the team's first two 1st downs (with the game 13-0 in the 2nd quarter), we think they crossed the line of demarcation.

Still, in reality, we don't really care what Phil Simms and Jim Nantz have to say.

And complaining about announcers is about as amateur as complaining about officiating.

So with that...

2. TWO Hines Ward Pass Interference Calls


"The refs were out to get Hines"

Thats what we would say if we weren't Steelers fans.

But like Coach Tomlin always reminds us, "That would be an excuse, and we don't make those."

Penalties always suck, but when they come from Hines Ward there is always this "dirty player" label attached. People need to get off him and realize he is a heck of a wide receiver. Not just a blocker, a wide receiver. 10,000 yards!!! Hall of famer, in our book.

Free Hines' nuts!

PS - We got that .gif from some Browns forum...

We'll bite our tongues.

3. The 2008 Draft Class


Hey Limas, can you hear me? Today they're asking if you're beyond hope? And while we'd love to defend you, you're not making it very easy for us.

You had a potentially huge moment in your hands yesterday, and you handled it like Vanilla Ice handled his career.

Instead of being a potential hero, you chose the game in which 2009 3rd round pick Mike Wallace outshined even Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes as the team's #3 receiver (a job which was supposed to be yours) to crap yourself on an assured TD throw.

Sorry buddy, we apparently can't trust you. So in turn, we can't help you.

We'd say the same for Mendenhall, only we're not sure he wasn't off somewhere watching re-runs of Family Matters. Word on the street is he didn't know his plays well enough. We're not even going to get into how miserable a piece of news that is.

Time to move on...

4. Brian Leonard converts on 4th and 10

Fast forward to 3:25 or so if you're a masochist

If you watched Hard Knocks, you were rooting for this dude to make the team.

If you watched the end of the game yesterday, you were rooting for this dude to tear an ACL.

Seriously, the FULLBACK, the freaking fullback converts a 4th and 10 for a first down to set up the eventual game winning score.

Leonard was the check down option for Palmer and he dumped it off, maybe 4 yards in front of James Farrior. Potsie was not quick enough to get to him in the flats and Leonard dove for the first.

Mad as hell, we launched our Terrbile Towels farther than a Brady Quinn pass - knowing the Bengals were about to score.

Making jokes about the Browns is one of the only things making us feel good today.

5. The BenGALs


Woof. And people wanna say Steeler fans are unsightly...this is one of the Bengals CHEERLEADERS.

Still, at least as far as we know they have the right anatomical features.

Which is more than we can say for some other AFC North cheerleaders...



Things That Made Cincinnati Seem Like The Bowels Of Hell:

1. The Pick Six


We have little to no interest in reliving it, but allegedly Santonio ran the wrong route, and when Ben put the ball where it needed to be, low and behold, nobody was home except Jonathan Joseph.

But, you know, aside from that it was a perfect play.

2. Cedric Bensons TD Run


We have seen better defensive efforts in midget football. Benson was untouched on his way to a 27 yard touchdown that left the Steelers defense searching for their jockstraps.

We told you to keep an eye on Ced. For the most part, you still can't run on the Steelers defense. Hampton, Keisel, and Smith continue to clog up the running lanes and the linebackers are still solid.

Occasionally there are opportunities like this, where a back will break one, against the Steelers defense and the momentum will swing. Turning point in the game, no doubt.

This is where things started to get out of hand and you were biting your towel harder than Marv Albert bites hookers.

3. Limas Sweed's TD Drop
It was so bad.......we had to mention it twice.

Hopefully our boy Limas can TOTALLY REDEEM himself :


And hopefully you got a chuckle out of that.

4. 4th And Failblog


Exhibit A: The Steelers had the ball facing a fourth and four in Bengal territory (42 yard line???). Instead of opting for the pooch punt, Coach Mike sent out Ben and he threw out of bounds, incomplete. The Bengals then proceeded to march down the field, kick a field goal, and head into the locker room down 13-3 instead of 13-0.

Why not punt? The Bengals offense was God awful at that point in the game.

Who knows.

In Tomlin We Trust.

Exhibit B: After three solid stops by the Steelers defense, Palmer finds Coles for eight yards and the first down during the final drive of the game. Remember? This is where you began to swear loudly at loved ones while downing shots of Bourbon.

Exhibit C: We've already touched on this. Brian Leonard converts a 4th and 10 for a first down in the Steelers redzone. Loud swearing and shots of Bourbon turn into a string of incomprehensible words the only one of which anyone can ever make out being, "unbelievable," and chugging straight from the bottle (not necessarily in that order).

5. The Cinncinati Skyline in HD


Did you see the overhead blimp shots of the city? Good lord! It looked like the setting to a post-apocalyptic movie staring Dennis Quaid. We think we may have even seen the Loch Ness Monster in the Ohio River.

Jesus.

"Red up" that city, jagoffs.

Random Notes:
1. Mike Florio thinks after three weeks, the AFC North is experiencing a changing of the guard.
2. If it weren't for Brandon Stokley, the Bengals would be 3-0. Barf.
3. If there's any beer left in your fridge, go ahead and drink it.
4. Ike Taylor still owns Chad OchoCinco Johnson.
5. We wonder how many of these showed up in the Cincinnati Enquirer this morning.

Now, here's a list of people you can blame for yesterday's garbage...



















1. Michael Keaton
2. The Cavemen from those Geico commercials
3. The one-armed drummer in Def Leppard
4. Your ex-girlfriend
5. The G-20

And to take us on out, we're gonna give the final word to our boy, Jay-Z...


So guys, what were your "Things That Were Awesome," "Things That Were Not Awesome," and "Things That Made Cincinnati Seem Like The Bowels of Hell?"

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